Although it is night, I sit in the bathroom, waiting.
Sweat prickles behind my knees, the baby-breasts are alert.
Venetian blinds slice up the moon; the tiles quiver in pale strips.

Then they come, the three seal men with eyes as round
As dinner plates and eyelashes like sharpened tines.
They bring the scent of licorice. One sits in the washbowl,

One on the bathtub edge; one leans against the door.
"Can you feel it yet?" they whisper.
I don't know what to say, again. They chuckle,

Patting their sleek bodies with their hands.
"Well, maybe next time." And they rise,
Glittering like pools of ink under moonlight,

And vanish. I clutch at the ragged holes
They leave behind, here at the edge of darkness.
Night rests like a ball of fur on my tongue.

I opened up my psychology textbook today and on the first couple pages I came across an essay written by my professor. It’s about the book “The Secret.” I know many people who read and loved this book so one day (like a year or so ago) I picked it up in my school library. I couldn’t even finish it. It was physically painful for me to read.  I felt like I was reading some sort of bible meant to brainwash its readers with its ridiculous ideas. Of course no one agreed with me.  Everyone seemed to be on board with this absolutely absurd concept. I even knew a girl who told me her mom had a discussion group based on nothing about that one book. To me that sounds like a cult.

                In case you’re not aware of what this book is about I’ll give you a brief fill in.  It’s based on the concept that your thoughts can be transformed into material/physical things. If you think positive thoughts your life will be positive. If you think negative thoughts your life will be negative. This is something I definitely agree with to an extent but most certainly not in the way this book puts it. The book mentions a lot of famous and rich people who have discovered the “secret.” It goes on to explain that these people utilized this “secret” to become what they are now. It also goes on to say that if you want something (such as a fancy car) all you have to do is think really hard that you will get that car and voila! You got it. One of the things that disturbed me the most about this is that they even go on to say that people who are fat are only that way because of the way they think.

                So flipping through my psychology text book I come across this essay. And to my relief the essay is not about how wonderful and life changing this book is but rather about how it’s a load of crap. I was so relieved. Finally, someone agrees with me.  At one point in the essay she mentions the whole “you’re fat because you think fat” thing and she says, “Next time you eat that strawberry short cake think real hard that it’s celery to avoid weight gain.” Sound ridiculous doesn’t it?  But that really is essentially what this book is telling you to do. I strongly suggest NOT reading this book or watching the movie. There are far more better things that you could be doing. Don’t waste your time here. Why it’s a best seller I will never understand.

 My mind is an amusement park. But not just any amusement park. It's the kind that's fun and exiting and wild during the day but once the sun goes down it turns into something completely different. Kind of like the kind of thing you'd run into in a Goosebumps book or a Scooby Doo episode. The kind of amusement park that seems really awesome and good but there's always something dark and scary lurking behind every corner.
Amusement parks are very chaotic places. You have children running around screaming (both upset and happy screams), teenagers causing trouble, annoyed parents, and then the people that just kind of lurk. That is how my brain is, every single day.
I can never get anything done and today I think I finally understand why. It's not because there is no activity in my brain (which many people would like to believe) but it's because there is too much. There are too many damn things going on in my mind at one time (some of which make no sense at all) so I can never get anything done. Writing this right now is almost physically difficult for me. I cannot make a decision if my life depended on it. I spent literally an hour in a porn shop today deciding between two bowls.
People always assume that the reason I am the way I am is because I smoke too much pot. Or maybe that I'm just stupid or slow. But it's the exact opposite. Pot doesn't make it harder for me to focus or to acomplish things because it slows me down. It makes it easier for me to focus and to accomplish things for that same reason. Because my mind is moving so fast all the time it's like I constantly need something to slow me down a bit in order to properly funcion.
But now let's get to the dark things lurking around every corner. Sometimes those things slip out and my mind slows down completely, sometimes to a complete stop. This is when I get depressed. Everything goes dark and functioning becomse impossible for the exact opposite reason it was before. Either way I can never function. I am constantly bouncing from one extreme to the other.
In a sense my mind is also like a contant acid trip. Sometimes it's a great trip, with flowers and happy things and bright colors. And other times it's a really horrible trip. With big scary monsters, and darkness and black holes.No matter what's going on in my mind, good or bad, it is always chaotic. Sometimes it seems that next to the defiinition of chaos should be a picture of my  brain.